Diving Into The Abyss by Chantal DeBrosse

There comes a point in one’s life, especially when you are making moves to improve your lot, where you may experience what I am calling “Diving Into the Abyss”. An abyss is defined as an immeasurably deep chasm. It is also used to mean anything incomprehensibly profound or infinite such as the concept of the infinity of time. The derivative word, abysmal, means extremely or hopelessly bad or severe. When one is in the abyss, often plunging headlong or whirling and spinning with no concept of which way one should turn, it feels like things are hopeless. You know you are falling and the bottom is somewhere. You don’t know where the bottom is or when you’ll hit it, but you are sure there is going to be one and it’s gonna hurt when you crash against it. The impact may even break something or at the very least leave a scar. You just know this from past experience or from watching others as you observed them during their personal plunge.

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However, there is one thing that the abyss gives us that we are no longer focusing on as a result of changes in linguistic meaning and philosophical beliefs. In Greek mythology the abyss is the primal chaos before Creation. Chaos, you say? Yes, Chaos. Or as my friend Debra Redman calls it, C.H.A.O.S. - Catalytic Hunches Advancing Our Spirituality. Catalytic Hunches, eh? Well, here’s what I did on my very long two-year fall.

I panicked.

I adjusted.

I rationalized.

I was in denial a few times.

But I kept falling thinking this will end any minute now. But it didn’t end. Two years is a long time. So like a prisoner in a concentration camp, I accepted what was. I no longer counted on the end of the day as being one step closer to my breakthrough. Another day was just another day. There was no indication on any calendar as to when things would get better. Sometimes things got worse and other times they would ease up and be less severe, but not better.

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There was always another layer to the relentlessness of experiencing my life’s challenges. Though I live in a prominent neighborhood and have an important position in a respectable company, I was struggling to survive. Paying the mortgage on time meant not having enough food to eat. Buying food meant a check would bounce. Heating the house in the winter meant no gifts during the holidays. No gifts meant suffering the embarrassment of letting everyone know that I was in dire financial straits. Loving my son meant that I would be broken hearted yet hopeful for his present and his future. Loving my daughter meant I had to let her express her love for her father even if I wanted to tell her to shut up about that man that I divorced after 23 years of marriage. I knew I couldn’t tell her to wait on her feelings until I stopped being so mad and feeling so betrayed by my ex-husband and by my own self for making such a challenging choice for a spouse.

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Not one thing I did made anything better. Everything I did netted zero. That is, I was merely in a state of “hanging in there.” Plus, everything took practically forever. In 1983, my family emigrated from Haiti. Just this year, a letter from the US Citizenship and Immigration Services (formerly known as the INS) arrived announcing that I will be processed and become a fully naturalized citizen within 450 days. Imagine that. Over 25 years of paying taxes and I get “the opportunity” to wait 450 days. Well, I say to myself, at least I know that it is in the works. At last, I accepted as my mantra: “It is what it is.”

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Finally, something happened to signal that the fall was over. There were a few triumphs during my fall but none of them felt like this one. There was no thump because there was no bottom. Nothing broke. It didn’t hurt and instead of a scar there was healing. I felt my awareness sharpen as the shift made its presence known. In spite of myself, I learned something. I develop some very important skills for my continuing journey through life. I was learning to wait and not act on my impulses to lash out at everyone or run from everything. This whole experience was about waiting. Waiting on God, the Universe, the Angels and All-That-Is, trusting that everything is conspiring on my behalf for my greater good. I didn’t know that I was learning to trust. While falling, I honored the times when I needed to be still and enjoy the silence. I learned to keep myself busy by noticing my thoughts and not taking action on any of the ones that I felt would undo all that I believe I deserve. I believe I deserve peace, love, prosperity, health, and a clear connection with my divinity. The chaos was the matrix from which my newly revealed being was nurtured, cleansed and birthed. I am now in a state of suspended animation. I know don’t have to do anything. The upswing will soon begin. Let’s just say I have a Catalytic Hunch.